Literary gods
Dedications
Thanks
Chapter 1, Love can kill
Chapter 2, Runaway (WARNING: CONTAINS ADULT SUBJECT MATTER
Chapter 3: Cat Woman
Chapter 4: Drugging Miss Daisy ( WARNING: CONTAINS ADULT SUBJECT MATTER)
Chapter 5: Freedom for the Phantom Schmuck
Chapter 6: What’s a nice word for “fart?”
Chapter 7: You can’t always get what you want, or what the doctor ordered
Chapter 8: Of course cops and teachers lie. They’re human.
Chapter 9: An unauthorized elevator operator
Chapter 10: Health can be unhealthy
Chapter 11: Pee your pants and beat the crap out of your friends
Chapter 12: My one cool teacher
Chapter 13: The last girl on Earth, and hiding hard-ons (WARNING: CONTAINS ADULT SUBJECT MATTER)
Chapter 14: Not the Phonophonopheneloscope
Chapter 15: Irreparable typing, irremediable reading, and an offer I couldn’t refuse (WARNING: CONTAINS TEACHER USING THE F-WORD)
Chapter 16: Grandma, the lesbian painter, & arroz con caca
Chapter 17: The food chapter. Includes cooking a human. (WARNING: DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME, KIDS)
Chapter 18: Do you really want to know what goes into the world’s greatest coleslaw?
Chapter 19: French, fried
Chapter 20: Spooky story
Chapter 21: The weirdest experience in my life
Chapter 22: Fearing Mother Nature, gender equality, and seeing the beauty in pup poop
Chapters 23 – 27: Silent Night: a story about steel, sex, drugs, rock & roll, food and murder (WARNING -- CONTAINS VERY ADULT SUBJECT MATTER
Chapter 28: My career as a beard, and a profit center
Chapter 29: How a radio station lost business from the gay matzo maker
Chapter 30: What the blind man could see (WARNING: MAKES THE AUTHOR LOOK BAD)
Chapter 31: Spiderman meets Paul Newman
Chapter 32: Marcia, the giant penguin and the exploding belly
Chapter 33: The right connections
Chapter 34: Short stuff: The meaning of Inna-Gadda-Da-Vida, The Secret of Life, What a putz, Maybe I don’t know as much as a caveman, Vinnie’s water closet, A platinum card is just as good as Medicare, How Rolling Stone got screwed by Screw and tried to screw me, Interchangeable grandsons, Always a wiseass, Mein Doppelgänger
Chapter 35: The wise man’s words
Chapter 36: Objects seen in the rear-view mirror may not be what you think they are
Chapter 37: I swear it’s true, but if I saw it in a movie, I’d yell BULLSHIT
Chapter 38: Unplanned chick magnetism, how rich people eat, an overdue confession and an amazing coincidence. If I saw it in a movie, I’d yell BULLSHIT, the sequel. (WARNING: CONTAINS ADULT SUBJECT MATTER)
Chapter 39: Not Strictly Kosher. Includes advice for a less unhappy marriage
Chapter 40: Yakkity Yak, Don’t Talk Back
Chapter 41: Where are all the fat mommies? (The difference between New York and Connecticut)
Chapter 42: Wow, I’m an assistant editor. Oh shit, the editor is a back-stabbing thief. (WILL MY EX-BOSS SUE ME?)
Chapter 43: First job, last drunk
Chapter 44: OK, so maybe baseball isn’t child abuse
Chapter 45: Fired, hired, fired, hired, fired
Chapter 46: Three in a bed, sort of
Chapter 47: Three in a bed, for real. (WARNING: CONTAINS VERY ADULT SUBJECT MATTER)
Chapter 48: On second thought, maybe we will hire you, if you’ll cut off your penis (WARNING: TITLE CONTAINS THE WORD “PENIS”)
Chapter 49: What’s more important, your brains or teeth?
Chapter 50: Even Connecticut has hillbillies
Chapter 51: And so does Pennsylvania, but why is this town named after the capital of Libya?
Chapter 52: Lemme outa here!
Chapter 53: The inside scoop on journalism
Chapter 54: They don’t need a telephone man; they need a psychiatrist.
Chapter 55: For the birds
Chapter 56: The lawyer was a liar.
Chapter 57: I lost the trial but won the case.
Chapter 58: I skipped the trial but won the case.
Chapter 59: But when is the trial?
Chapter 60: Verdict for the amateur professional or professional amateur
Chapter 61: How can a free Laserdisc cost $10,000?
Chapter 62: How can a free dog cost $100,000?
Chapter 63: The beep line
Chapter 64: But how does a quadriplegic dial the operator?
Chapter 65: Parental Issues. What came first, the chick or the driver’s license? What’s worse, parents or moo-goo-gai-pan? So Dad, whose fault is it? (WILL MY PARENTS SUE ME?)
Chapter 66: My 200-minute battle with Bill Gates (WILL MICROSOFT SUE ME?)
Chapter 67: Diary of a couch (WILL MACY’S SUE ME?)
Chapter 68: Low tech and no tech (WILL WAL-MART SUE ME?)
Chapter 69: A bit about my family, my name, Brutus, Mark Anthony, Julius Caesar, Mikhail Gorbachev, Sarah Palin, Isiah Thomas, a Czar, popes, saints, jelly, pizza, MAD magazine, Time magazine, inappropriate kisses, the first car, Nazis, Sopotskin, the Bolshevik Revolution, Neiman Marcus, leaving the wheelchair, too-tall pants and the Hindi word for “penis”
Chapter 70: This beard’s for you
Chapter 71: It didn’t matter to anyone but him
Chapter 72: The return of Daddy Demon
Chapter 73: Epilogue
Personal messages
Supporting Cast (high school classmates)
Some good teachers
Afterword (some sentimental stuff: rethinking high school)
About the author
Epitaph
Why the book looks the way it does: Old and new traditions
