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Do As I Say, Not As I Did: Learn from my lifetime of mistakes. A lighthearted look at life, love, sex, money, food, children, animals, media, politics, business, technology, health and more


If the old me could have spoken to the young me, maybe I wouldn't have made so many stupid mistakes.

From the introduction:

Time travel is a pervasive theme in popular culture. For something that doesn’t actually exist, TT is surprisingly popular.


  • Google shows about ten times as many links for time travel as for European travel.

  • Time travel has inspired countless books, movies, TV shows, videogames and comic books.


My interest in time travel has often been extremely personal. I fantasize about interacting with myself—not with dead presidents or great grandchildren.


I’ve contemplated how the eleven-year-old me would have reacted to the twenty-year-old me. Would the fifteen-year-old me think the forty-year-old me was interesting, cool, smart, boring, stupid, scary, a creep or an asshole?


More importantly—and the impetus for this book—I’ve thought that if the old me could have spoken to the young me, maybe I wouldn’t have made so many stupid mistakes. Maybe I’d now be healthier, wealthier and happier.


I wish I could forcefully advise myself to “do this, not that.” The ten- and twenty-year-old me might have ignored the advice of parents, teachers and doctors—but not the advice of me. If I talk to myself I have to listen.


A book like this should not be written by a Gen-Xer or Gen-Yer, but its subject matter is perfect for a first-year baby boomer like me. I’ve learned a lot since 1946. Many of the lessons have been difficult and some have been painful. I figured out many things myself. Some lessons were taught to me by others, especially by my father.


While technology will not yet allow me to go back and talk to myself, I can warn and advise anyone else who’s willing to pay attention.


That’s why I wrote this book. And maybe by looking back I can influence my own future.

99-cent preview ebooks are available.

Stories I'd Tell My Children (but maybe not until they're adults)  is mostly hysterically funny, sometimes poignant and profound, often bawdy and always delightful.

The book includes more than 100 stories that span 55 years: pre-school, in school, and after the author had enough school. There's lots of sex, drugs and rock & roll. Even the sex and drug stories are funny.

Some stories were written as  revenge against bad teachers, evil bosses and crazy clients. There are stories about weird relatives, weird food, women the author considered marrying, and the woman he did marry. You'll even learn what his wife had to do in bed to defeat the competition.

Although Michael N. Marcus is a first-year baby-boomer who grew up in the 1950s and 1960s, "This book provides a hilarious look at life for people of all ages who want to roll on the floor, laughing until the tears come." Another reviewer said, "This book is so funny that I nearly peed in my pants. My girlfriend didn't think it was funny, so I got a new girlfriend."

In addition to laughter, the book provides an education. One chapter helps women understand the male fascination with farts and breasts. Another explains how Betty Friedan and Anthony Quinn made 1965 much sexier than 1964.

Other chapters explain the difference between New York and Connecticut mommies, the connection between Sigmund Freud and Groucho Marx, how baseball can be child abuse, how oral sex can be dangerous, what boys don't know about jockstraps and childbirth, the meaning of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida," the disgusting secret ingredients in the world's greatest coleslaw, how a free dog can cost $100,000, and how the author conducted a test to determine if he attracted crazy women or drove women crazy.

There are four murders in the book, two failed attempts at maiming, one near-electrocution, one paranormal experience, one story about the loss of virginity with an older woman, one story about sex with a 15-year-old girl (who seemed much older), one story about contemplating sex with another 15-year-old girl, two three-in-a-bed scenes, two episodes of paranoid delusion, one offer of sex from a woman who had escaped from a mental hospital, and three frustrating encounters between a horny heterosexual male and lesbians. These stories are all funny, and guaranteed to be at least 80% true.

Anthology of Third-World Email Scams: Learn from the best and worst


This authoritative, informative and entertaining book can serve as both an introduction and a refresher course in email scamming. It includes excerpts from good, mediocre and absolutely awful money-grabbing emails as well as important advice to help increase income.


Although this book seems to provide guidance for online thieves, its actual purposes are benign:

(1) It will help people to avoid becoming victims of online scams.

(2) It will help all writers.

(3) It will particularly help writers in advertising, fundraising and other fields to write more professional, more believable and more productive copy.

(4) It will make people cringe and laugh.


Michael N. Marcus is a journalist, editor, bestselling author of more than 40 books, award-winning advertising copywriter, publisher and mostly successful amateur attorney. His own emails, websites, blogs, ads and brochures have generated millions of dollars in revenue. He has received more than 10,000 scam emails and has fallen for just one of them. Michael accepted a forged teller’s check for more than $700. The money was lost and the perpetrator was not arrested.

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